Malleus Ad Feminia Inpregnatium
by RingWarriorAzec2113
Summary: When an unknown spell hits Harry between the shoulder blades he discovers he's in for a wild ride! Crack!Fic to be enjoyed for laughs and not taken to seriously most of the time! HarryGinny, RonLavender, HermioneSnape.


Malleus (Ad Feminia) Inpregnatium

Chapter One

**What can I say in my defence! I just couldn't resist doing this; I've been toying with the idea for ages. Humorous Crack!Fic.**

-/\-

"HARRY JAMES POTTER."

Harry, Ron and Hermione cringed and turned to face the irate Professor McGonagall, leaving Draco Malfoy squirming on the floor while Crabbe and Goyle stared gormelessly into nothingness.

"Just what DO you THINK you're doing?"

The furious Professor demanded as her long strides took her to within an inch of his face.

"Malfoy started it." Ron chipped in from beside him.

"He did." Hermione confirmed.

"He was calling Harry's mum a filthy mudblood whore."

"I don't care who started it." McGonagall replied.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor and Slytherin, detention for all of you my office seven o'clock for the rest of the week. This is the third brawl between you six this week. You all need to grow up and start acting like fifth years instead of first years."

Draco smirked as McGonagall turned to leave.

Then she turned and called over her shoulder. "Oh and Mr Malfoy, a further fifty points from Slytherin for the use of such foul language."

Draco's smirked vanished from his face faster than merpeople faced with magic!

"So gonna get you Potter. Just you wait." He hissed, before snapping his fingers to wake Crabbe and Goyle up before stalking off, the two following faithfully like well trained, but stupid, Thestrals.

Harry laughed.

"I'm quaking in my boots ferret boy!" He shouted sarcastically after Draco's retreating back.

Hermione shook her head and sighed. 'Boys!' She'd almost swear they were another species, almost but not quite.

"I hope you're both happy that you've landed me in detention for something that's not my fault." She snapped before leading them all to dinner in the great hall.

They ate in stony silence. It was only later in the common room when they'd both apologised and promised to try to get her out of it, that she deigned talk to them.

-/\-

Nothing untoward happened for the next few days.

Harry and Ron tried hardish in transfiguration not wanting to further rile McGonagall, kept their heads down in potions, failed miserably in charms, glowered at Umbridge in DADA when no-one was looking and got Hermione to 'look over' their homework etc.

Then it was Friday, their final detention. McGonagall had let Hermione off when the boys explained that she was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and that they were to blame.

Ron thought it was bloody unfair but helped to vindicate her anyway, knowing that otherwise, she wouldn't help him with his homework and he couldn't afford that. He knew from past experience that if she didn't help him his grades would take a definite turn for the worst.

-/\-

Ron finished his lines first and left this final detention with a sigh of relief after a stern lecture from McGonagall.

Harry felt annoyed that Ron had abandoned him but could nothing about it until he'd finished the one thousand lines that McGonagall had had them writing for the three detentions. Still he couldn't really blame Ron, after all who would optionally stay longer in the same room as Malfoy than they had to?!

At least McGonagall's lines, which read 'I must behave like a civilised wizard at all times whilst within Hogwarts', weren't written using his blood for ink. He was thankful at least that McGonagall had caught him, not Umbridge frog face.

If Umbridge had caught him, not only would Malfoy be scot-free and laughing but his hand would be in agony by now.

Harry finished his lines at the same time as Draco, packed his quill and inkpot, listened to McGonagall's lecture and then left as hurriedly as possible. He had a lesson to plan for Dumbledore's Army.

He was preoccupied that he never heard the whispered, "Malleus Ad Feminia Inpregnatium" or noticed the spell that Malfoy shot at him, until it hit him in the back.

-/\-

Harry woke up approximately two hours later judging by his digital watch which read 12:30 am.

After three years of hard work, Hermione had found a way to make watches run on magic instead of electricity and given Harry and Ron a digital watch each for Christmas. The watches set themselves by the time on the WREN. (Wizarding Radio and Entertainment Network).

Harry felt strange. He couldn't work out why he was lying on a hard cold floor in a deserted secret passage; instead of in his nice warm comfortable four-poster in the Gryffindor tower. Then he remembered walking down a corridor and feeling something hitting him between the shoulder blades with considerable force before everything went black. Malfoy must have dragged him here and dumped him. That explained lying on his back despite the fact that his nose hurt, indicating it had been landed on.

Harry stood up took three steps overbalanced and clutched at the wall. Something was wrong with his legs. Not only did he feel like he was nearly walking on his points his shoes felt funny. He staggered over to torchlight and looked down. Malfoy had transfigured his shoes into six-inch stiletto heels!

Harry tore them off fuming and continued barefoot towards the Gryffindor common room. Something still felt wrong. He walked along with his wand lit and as he did so, he glanced casually into a mirror.

And screamed. An incredibly high-pitched scream that only a pre-puberty boy could have managed or a girl. Because the reflection looking back at him was definitely not male.

Looking back at him was a female with raven hair that reached mid back, his piercing but different shaped green eyes, his scar, with shapely womanly curves and nice boobs, Harry noticed. She was about five foot six.

Whereas Harry was five foot seven going on eight and most definitely not female. His eyes were deceiving him, the mirror was blurred anyway and he was tired. He was quite simply dreaming.

He took his glasses off to wipe them and the image sharpened and became crystal clear.

There was then no denying it. Harry Potter was most definitely five foot six and female! For the second time that night, Harry's unconscious body hit the floor!

-/\-

**Please review and tell me what you think. Constructive criticism welcomed, flames will be ignored.**


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